tumblr is not twitter. Fuck off with all these text posts.
All 2 of your followers”
Hell, I made it through the weekend. If you know me at all (or are like me in any way, really) you should be able to recognize how much of an accomplishment that is. 5 days is impressive when you’re severely addicted. ;)
I don’t know why I’m being cheerful about this, I’m in a horrible mood. Ahaha.
Oh my fucking god I’m so out of shape.
I can barely hold a side plank. What is this bullshit?
Starting at midnight, I’m taking a week off from the internet. Because apparently I fucking hate myself.
So as I was walking home after chem last night, enjoying the uncharacteristically warm weather, I spoke on the phone with my darling brother. We talked about the upcoming changes in my living situation (for which I am very pumped, by the way) and about my academic future in general.
It seems like this is something we always discuss. I can’t see any way how that wouldn’t be my fault: surely if I was doing everything right, we wouldn’t be talking about the things I need to improve. The problem that I’m currently having though has to do with a severe lack of internal motivation.
Sibling said that one day he’s going to have his own family, and he’s not going to have the time to throw a pep talk my way every few weeks. If I’m being honest, I really wish he hadn’t decided to present me with that little nugget of truth, at least not at that particular moment. Things have been tough enough without being kicked in the throat by an eventual reality. For the moment, he’s got time for me… right? I feel kind of shitty writing that, because it sounds like an assumption. Of course it should be true, but I almost feel selfish, like I’m demanding that he take the time to talk to me. I mean… we’re related, so I guess it’s kind of a given. It would appear, however, that this soon may not be the case. Which is rather awful, because I’m probably going to be even more reluctant to bother him in the future… Fuck.
His point does identify an interesting aspect of our relationship: he serves primarily as a motivator, these days. Which is perfectly acceptable, and I probably shouldn’t feel as guilty about that as I now do… but he motivates me more than I myself do. And that right there is the problem: nothing propelling me forward seems to be internal.
The main reason I do homework is because it’s embarrassing as hell to look a teacher in the eye when you haven’t done the assignment. I go to class because I’m… supposed to, I guess. If I don’t go, I have to send an email and endure the anxiety that goes along with that (because oh yeah, that shit scares me too. Naturally.)
I need to figure out how to keep myself going. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. :/ I think about my goals, and where I want to end up, and I can’t even explain to myself why I’ve chosen the path that I have. I know that there are things that I want, but I can’t ascribe to them any reason. It’s like all the words I know have fallen out of my head, and I can’t summon any one of them long enough to string together a legitimate answer.
The reasons I can piece together sound weak and maybe even a little insincere. I’m almost embarrassed to try and reason with myself about this, because I feel like a dumbass whilst doing so. Or at least, that’s how I feel when I try to explain it to him. Maybe that’s a lack of confidence at play? I don’t want to look stupid, even in front of him, and I know anything I say will sound more like me trying to please him than me demonstrating my point. I’m getting sort of angry thinking about that, because I want to be more emotionally honest with him. I’ve made a lot of strides in that department, and yet it’s fucking difficult for me to explicitly convey my thoughts over the phone. Typing is a lot easier. I wish I was better at talking. :/
I don’t seem to have much of a problem identifying the issues I currently have. In some cases, I can even tell myself exactly how to fix them… But there’s this mix of defiance and sheer terror that’s stopping me. Positivity pisses me off sometimes, because I get really stubborn. I don’t want to be told what to do. I don’t want to feel like a fucktard. When something starts feeling lame, I stop wanting to deal with it, and that’s stupid, but I can’t fucking let it go. And then there’s everything I’m afraid of. I know I’m supposed to be brave and face my fears, but there’s something preventing me from doing that. It’s not rational, not even a little bit. I am greatly inhibited by some weird anxieties, and I honestly don’t think they’re normal. Maybe that’s the weakness talking, but there are things I don’t know if I can handle by myself. It’s certainly not as easy as “harden the fuck up.” Fuck off, next time you’re physically ill because of strangers, you come talk to me. I don’t think it’s normal and I wish there were a better way for me to explain what helplessness feels like. Any motivators I have are negative, they are fears, and they are hindrances. They do not strengthen me. I need to seek positive ones, but that in itself is weirdly horrifying.
Where are they supposed to come from? I honestly don’t know where to begin. I know what I want, I guess, but for some reason that doesn’t seem to be enough. The only reason I function seems to be to accommodate other people, or to maintain some small semblance of normalcy on the outside. I don’t know if I can honestly say that I’m going to school right now 100% for myself. That’s scary.
Somewhere between now and my imagined future (post-education), there’s a disconnect. Maybe the goals are too far off. Maybe I need to stop believing that I don’t deserve more than the bare minimum. Maybe I need to pick up some confidence.
But all of that is terrifying, and severely uncomfortable, and can’t be done without the motivation that I currently lack.
Lab was a success. Called sibling, had the most draining conversation ever…
There are things I want to blog (read: bitch) about but I can’t bring myself to deal with them right now. I don’t even know how to feel about things.
If you are empty, please do not rip a hole in my lab. That’s actually very unhelpful. I honestly do not understand how this happened, but now I really resent you for forcing me to print this damn thing again.
Fuck you, stapler, you sunuvabeetch.
I waited until the last day to get my final stamp, and now I’m terrified that when I go, there will be a shit ton of people there.
Is that pathetic? I’m pretty sure it’s pathetic.
I’m fucking terrified that having waited this long will mean that I’ll have to put myself in a situation where I will have to interact with other people. So what do I do? I keep putting it off further.
I legitimately only need a stamp. There is no reason for this to take more than 10 minutes (minus getting to/from school) so WHY CAN’T I DO IT.
Because I’m a coward. That’s why. :(
If I was a celebrity I would go knocking on doors and be like hello yes it’s me
When she looked into it, she found herself holding her children’s birth certificates, and all of their names weren’t shitty